You’ve worked hard, achieved something you’re proud of, and shared your good news with the people around you, only to be met with a backhanded comment wrapped in a smile.

• That’s awesome! But…
• I’m happy for you! But…
• Congratulations! But…

If this sounds familiar, you’re dealing with a “but” sayer.

These people aren’t celebrating you, they’re undermining you.

And if you want to protect your energy, confidence, and progress, you need to recognize these patterns and set firm boundaries.

How to stay away from “but” sayers and build a supportive circle that genuinely uplifts you and protects your energy.

What Defines a “But” Sayer?

“But” sayers are people who habitually downplay your success or happiness by following any compliment or congratulatory statement with a negative remark.

Examples:

• That’s amazing! But isn’t that industry really unstable?
• I love that for you! But are you sure you can handle it?
• You deserve it! But don’t get too comfortable, it might not last.

Instead of celebrating your win, they plant seeds of doubt.

Are They Doing It on Purpose?

Not all “but” sayers are intentionally harmful. Some may be:

• Insecure ~ They project their own fears onto you.
• Jealous ~ Your success reminds them of their own lack of progress.
• Conditioned to Be Negative ~ They grew up around negativity and don’t know any better.
• Passive-Aggressive ~ They disguise their negativity in fake encouragement.

Regardless of their intent, their words still affect you.

The Hidden Impact of “But” Sayers on Your Mindset

“But” sayers subtly damage your confidence over time.

They make you second-guess yourself ~ You start questioning if your accomplishments are as great as they felt.

They diminish your excitement ~ Instead of celebrating, you feel deflated.

They create self-doubt ~ Their words linger in your mind, making you worry about things that didn’t even cross your mind before.

They drain your energy ~ You waste mental space defending yourself or proving them wrong. You are unable to always protect your energy.

If you don’t address these relationships, you risk becoming hesitant about sharing your wins or, worse, hesitant about chasing them.

Recognizing the Warning Signs

How can you tell if someone is a “but” sayer? Here are some red flags:

1. They Always Have a Negative Twist

Some people just can’t help themselves. No matter the situation, they always manage to add a negative twist.

• That’s great! But…
• I love that! But…
• Good for you! But…

2. They Rarely Celebrate Without a Caveat

Their praise feels insincere because it is always paired with something discouraging.

• “You look great today… I almost didn’t recognize you!”
• “That’s an impressive promotion—must be nice to have connections.”
• “Your house is so cozy… though I could never live somewhere this small.”

3. They Act Like They’re Being “Realistic”

They claim they’re just “looking out for you” or “keeping it real,” but all they do is cast doubt.

• “I’m just being honest—you’re probably not cut out for that kind of job.”
• “I don’t want to get your hopes up, but most people fail at things like this.”
• “It’s not negativity, it’s just reality, some people aren’t meant to be in the spotlight.”

4. They Only Show Up When Things Go Wrong

They disappear when you’re thriving but show up to “advise” you when you struggle.

• “I knew something would go wrong, and I’m here to help you pick up the pieces.”
• “You really should have listened to me when things were going well.”
• “This is exactly why I told you not to take that risk.”

5. They Compare Your Success to Theirs

When someone constantly compares your success to theirs, it’s like they can’t celebrate your win without making it about their own.

They say things like:

• “That’s good, but I’ve heard other people did better.”
• “That’s nice, but I had a way better experience with something else.”
• “You’re lucky to be where you are. I had to work way harder to get even close to that.”

How to Handle “But” Sayers

Handling “But” Sayers can feel like a never-ending battle against negativity disguised as advice.

The key is to stay grounded in your own journey, protect your energy, and set boundaries that protect your energy.

1. Set Boundaries

You don’t have to cut people off immediately, but you do need to establish clear limits on how much of your energy they get.

Limit what you share with them. Keep big news to yourself or only share it with those who uplift you.

Change the subject. When they start adding negativity, steer the conversation elsewhere.

Let them know how their words affect you. Some people aren’t aware of their patterns. Call it out.

Example response:

“I appreciate your thoughts, but I’d rather focus on the good side of things.”

2. Surround Yourself with “And” Friends

“But” sayers contrast sharply with “and” friends ~ people who celebrate your success and encourage you further.

• That’s amazing! And I know you’re going to do even bigger things!
• I’m so happy for you! And I can’t wait to see how this next chapter unfolds!
• Congratulations! And let me know how I can support you!

Seek out people who uplift, not undermine.

3. Reframe Their Negativity

If you must interact with a “but” sayer, don’t internalize their negativity. Instead, mentally flip their statements.

Them: “That’s cool, but isn’t it risky?”

You (internally): I’m taking a bold step, and I trust myself to handle challenges.

Them: “That’s nice, but I heard those aren’t the best.”

You (internally): I love what I have, and their opinion doesn’t change that.

You control your perspective. Don’t let their words define your reality. Protect your energy!

Cutting Ties When Necessary

Some “but” sayers will never change. When that happens, you have to decide if keeping them in your life is worth the mental toll and are you able to protect your energy around them.

When to Walk Away:

• Their negativity is constant, not occasional.
• They drain you emotionally every time you talk.
• They refuse to respect your boundaries.
• You dread sharing good news with them.

If they can’t celebrate your success, they don’t deserve access to it.

How to Distance Yourself

Reduce communication ~ Answer less frequently and keep conversations short.

Decline invitations ~ Prioritize spending time with people who uplift you.

Cut ties if necessary ~ If they’re toxic, you don’t owe them space in your life.

Protect Your Energy, Protect Your Growth

Your success, happiness, and milestones deserve to be celebrated. Surround yourself with people who encourage you, empower you, not those who add doubt and negativity.

Be intentional about your circle.

Set firm boundaries with “but” sayers.

Seek relationships that empower you.

The next time you achieve something great and someone says, “That’s awesome! But… “remember, you don’t have to entertain their negativity.

Celebrate yourself unapologetically. Protect your Energy. You’ve earned it.